Honey will you run down to the convenience store and pick up some milk. Don't forget to check the expiration date. Thanks.
I hate little 'things to do' notes on the front door.
Bright. Too damn bright. Every one of these convenience stores is just too well lit. Don't they have any respect for the night? Hell no. They want to be beacons. Glaring out of the night to be the guardians of fresh milk and coffee at 3:45 in the morning.
Milk. Always have to have the milk. What the hell do we use milk for anyway? She uses instant in her coffee. The instant oatmeal takes water. Just where does all this milk go? I don't drink it. I've never seen her drink it. She won't give it to the cat anymore --not since it got the shits and spray painted the walls with abstract fecal art. That was a mess. I'm always lugging four or five empty cartons up to the curb every week. Where does all that milk go? I'll have to bring this up when I get home. If it is important enough to put me back in the driver's seat after a late shift, then it is important enough to give me a reason.
Wait a minute. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I do drink milk with my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Still though, I don't eat that many sandwiches. Not enough to account for that much milk. Maybe I'm over reacting. No, dammit I'm not. I shouldn't have to get the milk now. I should be getting to bed! I hate it when I think like this.
I am stupid. Just plain stupid. Why don't I just pick it up on my way home? That makes more sense. If I do it that way, I wouldn't have to make an extra trip. That's it! I've come up with the solution. I'll just get it when I come home. That was simple.
But that still doesn't explain where all the milk goes. Maybe it isn't about the milk. Oh, I see. It isn't about the milk. It's about me not calling her from work. If I would call her from work then she would tell me to pick up the milk on the way home. Now, I understand. We don't need that much milk. She needs me. She sends me on these extra trips in a desperate attempt for me to finally realize that I should call her and ask her if we need the milk. This would enable us to better communicate and express our feelings of love. What a fool I've been. All this time I've been bitching and moaning when she has been reaching out for me. How long has it been?
Has it really been six months? A half year of reaching out, only to have me bitch and complain. Oh, how horrible it must have been for her. Each one of my words cutting in to her like an icy knife. I should be flogged. I should go home right now and throw myself into her arms and beg forgiveness for my stupidity.
This could be a new era in our relationship. We could start anew. We could rekindle the passions of our marriage and burn the paths that lead us to this milk dilemma. This time I will call her from work every night. I will stop off and not only bring her home milk, but those little satin flowers they sale to recoup their Valentine's Day losses. I will become the husband that she never thought I could be! And because milk was what brought us back together, we shall toast it every night by candlelight and then fall promptly into a passionate embrace.
But what if I'm wrong? Maybe I should feel this out and just call her from work tomorrow night. Yeah, that way I can see if she really thinks the way I think she's thinking, or not.
* * *
"Hello honey. Yeah, I know it's late. Do you need any milk? I thought maybe I could pick it up on the way home. Okay baby, you just go back to sleep and I'll pick it up."
Damn, she was asleep. She does want me to pick up the milk, but she didn't seem that impressed that I called. Maybe I should have not brought up the idea of the milk. Poor girl, it must be difficult for her if she thinks the only reason I called is to get out of making another trip when I get home. I should have just said that I loved her. That's what I should have done. Well that's what I'll do tomorrow night. Tonight doesn't really prove anything. I probably should have called earlier, too. I mean who could enthused about receiving a call when you're asleep. I sure as hell don't. That's it. She wasn't that impressed because she was asleep. Well, you know what they say, "Live and learn." I'll just call earlier tomorrow night. That's what I'll do.
* * *
Honey I know you got the milk but we ran out of kitty litter. Would you be a love and run back down and get some? I'm really sorry about this. Thanks.
How should I take this? Maybe she's punishing me. Lord knows I deserve it. Well I won't get mad that's for sure. Hell, if she made me run down to the store every night I would still deserve it. Poor thing.
Or you know what else it could be, she could have actually ran out of kitty litter. Damn poor timing. I finally call and start to put things the way they should be, and she runs out of kitty litter. Well, we do have to have kitty litter. That's the foulest smelling cat in the whole world. I wouldn't be able to sleep if that cat box was full anyway.
I know what happened. I woke her up, she was about to go back to sleep and she smelled the litter. Damn that was poor timing. Not only didn't I say that I loved her, she had to smell that cat box all night long. Well, that really isn't my fault, but I'm sure it didn't put me on good terms with her.
Well then I shouldn't get her the fake flowers. I'll have to get her the real ones. That would take care of the 'milk' thing and apologize for the 'smell' thing. This is getting good. I've nailed it this time. I'll be able to make up for everything in one fell swoop.
* * *
"Hello honey, I love you. Yeah, I'll pick up some coffee on the way home. Do you love me? Hello? Hello?"
She hung up. She hung up! I don't believe it! She hung up on me. She didn't even reply. She didn't even acknowledge that I said I loved her! Well this bites. Maybe I've read this wrong. Maybe she doesn't even care about me. This is ridiculous. I don't have to put up with this. I should go home right now and have it out with her! This is it. I'm going to tell her just what I think of her damn milk, kitty litter, and coffee. And I'm gonna kick the damn cat, too. Never did like that animal. This will begin a new era in our relationship. An era in which I will assert myself to the position of head of the household. That's the way I file my taxes and that is the way I'm gonna make it. This is going to stop right here and now!
Wait a minute. This might be exactly what she wants. Maybe she wants me to come home tonight. That's gotta be it. She wants me to come home all flustered and bent out of shape so she could surprise me with a candle lit dinner. That's got to be it! Boy, have I been taken for a sucker punch. That is exactly what she wants me to do. She wants me to come home. That means she wants me!
I'll have to get ready. Maybe I'll change clothes. How am I gonna to that! I'd have to go home. She'd see me. I'll just go out and buy me a new set. I smell. Well I can't shower, so cologne will have to do. This is going to be great! I'll get some flowers, some milk, the coffee, and maybe even some fancy canned cat food for the cat. Let's see I'll probably have to take the rest of the night off so I can get this all done and get home early.
* * *
Honey I know I said to get the coffee, but we ran out of milk again. Would you please be a love and run out and get some. Thanks.
Damn, forgot the milk. Oh well, I think we'll have enough to do this evening without the milk. We'll toast with the coffee. Should have gotten champagne, but the coffee is more symbolic of our love anyway.
"Honey, I'm home."
There are the candles. I knew it.
* * *
Convenience stores are always cold. Cold and bright. Great for the summer but when it's cold outside all you really want to do is get warm. Let's see where is the expiration date on this milk? I can't find it. Take your time, look the whole thing over, where the hell is it?
"Excuse me ma’am, could you help find the expiration date on this milk?"
"Yeah, it's right..."
"I said could you please help me find the expiration date on this milk!"
"Don't look at me like I'm crazy! I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I'm not man enough to find the expiration date. Aren't you? AREN'T you? Well ma’am, I don't think that your assessment of masculinity is correct. In fact, I'm just about as masculine as man can get. I've got hair on my chest. My testosterone flows like Old Faithful. And I'm a damn fine lover, too. Where are you going? Has my honesty offended you? Fine then, just leave! I can find the expiration date!"
Am I making a scene? I don't care. Maybe I need to make scene. But, I shouldn't make too much of a scene. Scene or no scene, I need to find the damn expiration date on this milk. If I can just do that I can buy it and everything will be okay. All I need is to find the date!
It's gotta be here some where. Maybe it got missed. I'll try another one. This one doesn't have it either. This place ought to have better products than this. Where is it? Maybe it's under the cap.
"Hey buddy, I hope you plan on buying that."
"No, I don't plan on buying it. The damn expiration date isn't printed on the goddam label. Why would I purchase something if I thought it was bad, or would go bad in a very short period of time! Do you think I'm stupid! That's just the kind of thinking that seems to go around about me right now. Tell me the truth. Do I look stupid? You can be honest. Don't just stand there with your mouth open. Do I look stupid? "
"It's okay man, just go ahead take the milk and head out."
"I told you I don't want the goddam milk, and if I didn't pay for it I would be a thief. Are you trying to say I'm a thief. Well I'm above taking something if it isn't mine. I may think about it, but when it comes right down to it, I would never, NEVER, take something from another man. I can't say that for the rest of the goddam species, but I know what my morals are and I simply won't do it. Men should stick together they shouldn't go taking things from each other --now should they?
"Whatever man, I just don't want no trouble, okay?"
"Neither did I! But it just seemed to find me. I guess it's been right under my nose along with the milk, the coffee, and the kitty litter."
* * *
Honey, I won't be here when you get back. Considering what your mood was I doubt if you want me back. Please take care of the cat. I'm sorry.
I hate little 'things to do' notes on the front door.