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January 09, 2005

Sisters Chaste and Gotten

Chaste & Gotten

{A Single Act Comedy in Miniature}

Cast of Characters:

Sister Merry Chaste
Sister Mariam Gotten
The Unconscious Prostitute

Opening scene. Sister Mariam Gotten sits in the convent's cafeteria. She has just finished a late night snack and is now placing her dishes in the sink. Enter Sister Merry Chaste. She is backing into the room dragging an unconscious prostitute. Sister Mariam Gotten turns and addresses her.

Gotten: [Turning toward Chaste.] Sister Chaste?

Chaste: Yes.

Gotten: What are you carrying?

Chaste: [Makes the sign of the cross.] An overly inebriated prostitute --I mean, former prostitute.

Gotten: Sister Chaste?

Chaste: Yes.

Gotten: Why are you dragging a drunken prostitute into the convent's cafeteria at three o'clock in the morning?

Chaste: To get some coffee?

Gotten: That excuse may work on me, but Mother Superior is going to ask a few more questions.

Chaste: Well, I was hoping some coffee would wake her up. It always works on the movies. Isn't that what you're supposed to do in these situations? [Starts to lift the prostitute onto a table, but is having difficulty.]

Gotten: [Walks over and assists Chaste.] From the looks of her Sister Chaste, she could probably sleep through judgment. How much has she had to drink?

Chaste: I'm not quite sure.

Gotten: Maybe you should tell me a little more about was has happened.

Chaste: She came to me asking for my help.

Gotten: She wants to become a nun?

Chaste: Well, not exactly. Though I'm sure that with a little enlightenment, I will be able to convince her of the wondrous life we lead.

Gotten: Ah, so you saw her passed out and decided to bring her here.

Chaste: No. She did come to me and ask for help, but I fear she may have been under duress at the time.

Gotten: Duress? What did you do? Hold her at knifepoint?

Chaste: No, not exactly.

Gotten: Not exactly? What in the world are you talking about?

Chaste: Well, it's a little difficult to explain.

Gotten: Go on.

Chaste: You may have noticed I haven't been my usual perky self during morning prayers.

Gotten: Actually, no. You always seem perky.

Chaste: Why thank you. I do try. Anyway, I've been going out among the sinners at night and doing the Lord's work.

Gotten: The tabloids would have a field day with that one.

Chaste: Why?

Gotten: [As if reading headline.] Nun goes around city picking up drunken prostitutes. Claims to be doing Lord's work.

Chaste: Very funny, sister Gotten. I have had some very difficult problems. This work is not easy to perform.

Gotten: I bet. Where did you perform this work.

Chaste: Down on Forty Second North.

Gotten: Forty Second North? I didn't even think you knew of that part of town.

Chaste: Well to be honest, I didn't. I went up to Father Leonard and asked him where the sinners gathered.

Gotten: And he actually told you? Wow, that means he condones your actions.

Chaste: Not exactly.

Gotten: What?

Chaste: I waited till he was preparing communion. Somehow he becomes more conducive to innovative ideas around communion time.

Gotten: That's because Father Leonard enjoys drinking toasts to the Lord.

Chaste: Sister Gotten!

Gotten: Well it's true. I've seen him, but go on.

Chaste: Well, I decided to take the convent's van down to Forty Second North and show those people how to be virtuous. It was quite a culture shock I assure you. Do you know what happened the first minute that I stepped out of the van?

Gotten: What?

Chaste: I was propositioned!

Gotten: No! [Sarcastically.]

Chaste: It was quite unsettling. Well, I had been going down there for about a week and was about to give up. In fact I told myself if I didn't help someone tonight, I was going to quit going down there. The Lord must have been listening. I had just arrived and was attempting to parallel park the van, when the poor frightened girl laying before us came running out of a near by door way. Her high heel broke as she tried to turn too quickly, but she came stumbling down the side walk just as fast as she could. She had tears streaming down her eyes and was yelling for help. The mascara she had on was smeared and she looked very scared. Then I looked up at the doorway and understood why. A man came running out of the same door with a gun.

Gotten: A gun!

Chaste: Yes, a gun. The poor girl was frantically trying to get out of the path of the gun. She was dodging to the left and to the right, but the man kept moving the gun towards her. I think he meant to shoot her in cold blood. I was horrified. But the girl looked like she was going to get away. Then it happened.

Gotten: What?!

Chaste: She fell down. The man lowered his gun to her level and was laughing maniacally. He slowly tightened his grasp on the trigger and...

Gotten: And what!?

Chaste: And that's when the street lamp fell on him.

Gotten: Street lamp? What street lamp?

Chaste: The street lamp I inadvertently knocked over while I was trying to parallel park the convent's van.

Gotten: Amazing. Mother Superior is going to love this one. What happened next?

Chaste: The poor girl ran to the van and begged me to take her some place safe. What could I do? This is the safest place I know.

Gotten: What happened to the man? Did you at least call an ambulance?

Chaste: No, he was all right.

Gotten: How could you be certain?

Chaste: He couldn't have been too hurt. After all, he was able to stand up and shoot five bullet holes into the back of the van door.

Gotten: We're going to have to increase Mother Superior's heart medicine tomorrow, or she's going to have a heart attack.

Chaste: I certainly hope not. I've had enough excitement for this week.

Gotten: How did she [Points at prostitute.] get so drunk?

Chaste: I'm not exactly sure. I was in the van. She was in the van. I decided since we just had a near death experience, it might be a good time to talk of the Lord and the wondrous life that I lead here at the convent. [Pause.] She must have had the bottle in her purse. It was a long drive and I just kept talking. By the time we got here, she was passed out in the back of the van with an empty bottle in her hand.

Gotten: Now that, I can understand.

Chaste: Well, what do you think I should do?

Gotten: I don't know, Merry Chaste. What do you think?

Chaste: I was thinking if you would help me, we could get her out of these vile clothes, clean her up, put some good clothes on her, and give her a good place to sleep for the night.

Gotten: Okay. I agree to help you on one condition. Don't mention my name to Mother Superior tomorrow.

Chaste: It's a deal. [She starts to pull the high heels of the prostitute's feet.] Good Lord how did she ever get any business with her feet smelling this bad?

Gotten: I doubt if many of her customers were interested in her feet.

Chaste: [Sits prostitute up and starts to remove her blouse (a bikini top is underneath.) She pauses and stares at her back with a puzzled look. Then steps back startled. The prostitute falls forward on her stomach.] Sister Gotten! She has tattoos of immoral acts all over her back! [Turns away.]

Gotten: [Walking over she stops and looks.] That's ingenious.

Chaste: What?

Gotten: It seems to be an illustrated price guide. Each picture is numbered. [Studies it a bit further.] Some of the prices have been scratched out and new ones written underneath.

Chaste: What on earth for?

Gotten: Inflation?

Chaste: Sister Gotten that was rude.

Gotten: No, I 'm serious. I figure a good Wall Street analyst could make predictions based on this kind of detailed price tracking. It even has dates!

Chaste: [Coming over and looking.] You're right! Look right there. Isn't that when what's his name took office?

Gotten: Sure is.

Chaste: Wow. This is very detailed. Well, that just goes to prove that this poor woman needs our help.

Gotten: Charging these prices, she couldn't be too poor.

Sister Merry Chaste and Sister Mariam Gotten start to wash off the prostitute with wet rags from the kitchen sink. Sister Merry Chaste keeps slowing down becoming more and more preoccupied with the tattoos on the prostitutes back. She alternates between wide-eyed wonder and a guilty expression.

Chaste: [Studying the illustration with wide eyes.] Sister Gotten, I have a confession to make.

Gotten: Do I really have to hear this?

Chaste: Forgive me. [Makes the sign of the cross.] I believe I am guilty of number sixty two.

Gotten: [Looking down the list of tattoos.] Mary Chaste! You'll have to confess that one to a priest! My goodness, I never thought you would be the type of person to do that! [Points at the prostitute's back.]

Chaste: Do you really think it's that bad?

Gotten: Yes Sister Chaste, I really do. [Pause.] But just between you and me, how did you get the raccoon to stand on its head?

Chaste: Raccoon!? [looks at list] That's fifty-two. I said sixty-two!

Gotten: [Looks at list again.] Oh Sister Merry Chaste, we're all guilty of number sixty two.

Chaste: Everyone?

Gotten: Yes, everyone.

Chaste: Even Mother Superior?

Gotten: Even Mother Superior.

Chaste: That isn't a very pleasant thought.

Gotten: I have to agree with you. That isn't a pretty thought.

Chaste: [After a pause.] How often do you think she does number sixty-two?

Gotten: Who?

Chaste: Mother Superior.

Gotten: If her personality is any indication --not very often.

Chaste: Do you think she does it more than three times a day?

Gotten: I don't know. Why?

Chaste: No reason. [Long pause.] Sister Gotten?

Gotten: Yes. [Irritated.]

Chaste: Do you think it's harmful to do it more than three times a day?

Gotten: [Smiling slyly.] No. Three times a day won't hurt, but if you do it more than five you're eyebrows will start to grow together.

Chaste: [After a quick deep inhale.] Excuse me Sister Gotten, I have to use the restroom.

Gotten: There's a mirror above the sink. [Chuckles.]

Chaste: Sister Gotten, it isn't nice to play tricks on the naive.

Gotten: I'm not. Have you noticed Mother Superior's eyebrow.

Chaste: [Looks thoughtful.] Well, I believe she is clean enough. I'll run to the bath and get her some clean clothes. [Exit Chaste]

Gotten: [Crooks her head right as she looks at one of the tattoos on the prostitute's back.]

Chaste: [From off stage.] Sister Gotten?

Gotten: [Crooks her head left. Talks as if preoccupied.] Yes.

Chaste: Do you know where I can find a razor? There are some tags that need to be cut off these clothes.

Gotten: [Still looking at the prostitute's back.] Above the Correctol, next to the Pepto Bismol.

Chaste: Thanks.

Gotten: [Continues looking at the prostitutes back. She alternates facial expressions between disgust, awe, jealous smiles, or any other expression appropriate.]

Chaste: [Enters with a band aid between her eye brows.] I got the clothes. All nice and fresh.

Gotten: Did you get the tags off?

Chaste: What tags... Oh yeah, I got them off. [Both Chaste and Gotten begin to dress the prostitute.] Sister Gotten, this situation may be too much for Mother Superior to handle.

Gotten: Yes, It just might be.

Chaste: Do you really think I'll get into too much trouble?

Gotten: I don't know Sister Merry Chaste. But, don't worry about our agreement. I will go with you to Mother Superior in the morning.

Chaste: Oh thank you, Sister Mariam Gotten! [By this line, they should be finished redressing the prostitute.]

The two sisters get the prostitute off the table and help her to her feet. Sister Merry Chaste is on the right of the prostitute and Sister Mariam Gotten is on the left. The two sisters are supporting the prostitute between them and turn to face the audience.

Gotten: [To audience.] She may be Chaste.

Chaste: [To audience.] And she may be Gotten.

Gotten and Chaste: [In unison to audience.] But this one thing we have never forgotten.

Gotten: [To audience.] We may have a Band-Aid upon our brow.

Chaste: [To audience.] But when there is trouble, we'll help somehow.

Gotten: [To audience.] And although your enemy may have a large gun...

Chaste: [To audience.] He will not withstand the force of a parking nun.

Gotten: [To audience.] We do all we do so that maybe you'll see...

Chaste: [To audience.] That sisters are your friends, and will serve you faithfully.

Chaste and Gotten: [To audience.] Good night!

Exit Chaste and Gotten carrying the prostitute between them.



Tricia said...

LoL, that is brilliant!

Andrew said...

Wow. Very creative. And funny.